Harry Potter and the Way He Defeated Voldemort
by KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada
Summary: Harry Potter has a notsooriginal plan to defeat Voldemort.
1. Harry Annoys Voldy

_Harry Potter and the Way He Defeated Voldemort_

_By KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada_

_Disclaimer: I don't own. They LIE!_

_Chapter 1: Harry Annoys Voldemort_

Once upon a time, Harry found Voldemort's whereabouts. So, he approached the evil man.

"Ha ha, I found you," Harry said loudly, a wicked grin plastered on his stupid face.

Voldemort gasped. "Oh no you didn't…I'm not Voldemort…I…um…aw, crap…"

"If you don't let me join you, I'll tell Rita Skeeter where you are."

He-Who-Now-Has-No-Choice groaned. "Look, kid…I want to kill you."

Harry just stared at him. "Dude, you're The-Man-Who-Let-Me-Live."

"No, I'm The-Feared-Dark-Lord-Who-Is-Just-About-To-Kill-You."

Harry stomped his foot. "No! I wanna be a Death Eater!"

"But _why_?"

Harry pondered this for awhile. "Because I can make you sound like a girl."

"No, you can't, you insolent little fool."

Harry smirked and walked over and pinched Voldemort. Hard.

"Eek!" squealed Voldemort. "That hurt…AUGH! You made me sound like a girl!"

"I know! Isn't that sweet?"

"Yeah! I never knew I…hey, wait! That wasn't cool, dude."

Harry gave Voldy the extremely suggestive yet extremely intriguing Draco Malfoy eyebrows of doom. "I don't remember what I came here to do…"

Voldemort blinked. "Um…I think you wanted to be a Death Eater."

"Oh. Right."

He-Who-Just-Showed-Harry snorted. Except it came out more like a muffled sneeze since Voldemort hasn't really got a nose.

ANYWAYS, Harry leaned against the streetlight post. "So, um, how're things going?"

Voldemort shrugged, and said, "Going, I guess. You?"

Harry picked at his nails. "Same old, same old, I suppose."

Voldemort sighed.

Harry sighed.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash punctuated by little shrieks of excruciating-sounding pain. Harry and the Dark Lord glanced over at a nearby bush. Voldemort shrugged and returned to his sighing, but, Harry, on the other hand, approached the bush. He looked in it and groaned when he saw…

Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley.

They were all over each other, but not in that way. Draco scrambled to his feet and glanced over at Harry. Ron, though, didn't move.

Harry blinked at Draco. "Um…what's going on? Where did you come from? Why did you land here? Who made you come here? When's lunch? Finally, how…how exactly did you land in that position?"

Draco scowled and muttered, "I don't know what's going on. I came from my secret volcano lair. I landed here because Ron made me, and that's who made me come here. Lunch will be in fifteen minutes. Um…don't ask."

By this time, Voldemort and Harry were staring at Draco. They looked at each other, and finally Harry spoke.

"Do you think he's dead?"

Draco shrugged, but then his eyes lit up. "I know! I'll use MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION!"

Harry stared at Draco. "You sound a smidgen bit excited there."

Voldemort narrowed his gleaming red eyes. "Something in the air smells a bit…queer…"

Draco flushed a deep crimson.

TO BE CONTINUED.


	2. 15 Minutes Later

_Harry Potter and the Way He Defeated Voldemort_

_By KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada_

_Disclaimer: I don't own. They LIE!_

_Chapter 2: Fifteen Minutes Later…_

The three magical folks sat around, eating lunch and conversing about common stuff.

"So, Harry, how is your strawberry tiramisu?" asked Draco.

"Oh, it's quite fantastic, Draco."

Voldemort looked around menacingly, his red eyes nearly shooting laser beams everywhere he glanced.

"Why, Voldemort, whatever is the matter?" Draco inquired politely.

"Why, I feel as though we are being watched!" exclaimed Voldemort.

Harry gasped. "Why, what makes you say something like that?"

"Why, my spidey senses are tingling!" yelped Voldemort.

Draco, Harry, and Voldemort immediately jumped up, looking all around, trying to find someone…or something.

"Stand back!" cried Harry. "I saw a flash of a shady figure and I heard the sound of cloth snagging on a brittle branch!"

Ron finally stirred and stood up. Yet everyone ignored him.

Harry, Draco, and Voldemort all screamed. Fleur Delacour jumped out of the bushes and shrieked at the sight of Voldemort, pointing at him with a shaky hand.

He-Who-Is-Now-Annoyed glared at her. "Pointing at me fearfully will not save your life girl."

"LLAMA!" shouted Ron.

Everyone turned to stare blankly.

"What the…?" Harry trailed off.

"I was going to kill the girl, and you broke my concentration, dude," Voldykins stated.

Ron shrugged and asked, "Well, how's life?"

"Don't get me started."

The redheaded numbskull blinked. "There's a suicide line; let me give you the number."

"I'M NOT SUICIDAL, DAMN IT!"

"The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem!" Ron insisted worriedly.

Voldemort drew his wand and stared menacingly at Ron.

"Ron, move!" screamed Draco, causing He-Who-Has-A-Psychological-Problem and Harry to blankly stare at him.

Draco looked around nervously. "What?"

"Draco Malfoy!" growled Harry. "You…_traitor_."

Fleur pranced away, worriedly glancing over her shoulder from time to time.

"Oh, shnittlecrackers, Weasley! You lost me my next victim! You shall pay."

"AUGH!"

"Avaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…"

"Nooooooo…!"

Draco jumped in front of Ron just as a stream of green light erupted from the end of Voldemort's wand. Draco was hit.

He fell to the ground, dead.

Ron drew his own wand. "You cannot harm me! For I am Ronald Weasley, loser, idiot, and inventor of illegal pilgrimage!"

"_Avada Kedavra!_" shrieked Voldemort.

The curse rebounded off of Ron and went back at Voldemort, causing him to lose all powers again.

"Ron, the love Draco had for you stopped Voldemort from killing you!" Harry choked, surprised.

"Yeah…!" Ron mumbled.

"It's not over yet, Ron!" crowed Harry. "Not nearly!"


	3. Oh, the Agony

_Harry Potter and the Way He Defeated Voldemort_

_By KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada_

_Disclaimer: I don't own. They LIE!_

_Chapter 3: Oh, the Agony._

Ron wretched at the sight of Draco's dead body and flung himself on top of it, sobbing endlessly.

Harry rolled his eyes and walked over to his disloyal friend.

"There, there, Ron. After all, there's more to come. You'll see Draco in some magical mirror or something."

Sniffing, Ron glanced at Harry woefully.

"R-really?"

Harry shrugged. "That's how it happened to me, eh?"

"Canadian eh."

"See?" said Harry, smiling. "Now get off the guy and let's go find someone to bury him."

"But I wanted to keep him!" screeched Ron. "I wanted him to be cremated and put his ashes on my nightstand."

"Morbid," Harry muttered under his breath. Then in a louder voice he said, "No, it's more humane if he's buried. You don't want his angry, restless spirit to haunt you, do you?"

"No…oh, all right."

Harry smiled again. "Good. Now, I know this guy who specializes in burying wizards. His name is Gordie."

"What are his qualifications?" asked Ron suspiciously.

"What…? Well, um, I suppose he has his PhD in mortician work or, um…whatever…" Harry stammered, taken aback by Ron's strange question.

"I don't trust him, but if you say he's good, Harry…"

"He is. Let's get going. He lives over beyond the muffin man's house, you know, in the shack with all the caskets and weird burial spices."

Ron nodded. It all seemed completely harmless. The only thing was, Harry forgot to mention they would need to stop and get money. Why? Because funerals cost money, duh.

Harry and Ron began to skip over on their way. Harry suddenly stopped and hesitated before speaking.

"…Ron, I forgot to tell you…w-we must go to the Way of Many Lost Ones."

"Oooooooh!" squealed Ron. "Why?"

"Because, um…I need money."

"But you've always got money! Remember our first year? Back on the train?"

Harry blinked. "Well, yeah, but…I spent it, Ron."

"On _what_?"

"Uh…sour Skittles…"

Ron scowled. "I don't believe you."

"ANYWAYS," Harry said, "we should probably go now."

"And what good'll that do, eh?"

"The Way of Many Lost Ones leads to a great house…the house of a wonderful witch named Amy Benson," Harry said matter-of-factly.

Ron gasped. "NO!"

Harry nodded grimly. "Yes. But she's the only chance we've got."

Ron gasped again. "NO!"

Exasperated, Harry sighed and grabbed Ron's left arm.

"C'mon, let's go," said Harry.

And they were then on their way.

Ron mumbled, groaned, and muttered empty death threats to anyone in two boys' path.

"No good…lousy way…I'll (bleep)-ing kill Draco…and you, you damn oaf…oh, groan, oh, moaney groaney."

Harry blanched. "Shush, Ron, or we'll get caught. Besides, Draco's already…dead…"

It was Ron's turn to blanch. "Um…Harry…his body…?"

"Oh!" cried Harry. "_Accio Draco's body!"_

Out of nowhere, or out of the sky, take your pick, Draco's body flew and landed on the damp ground on the trail leading to the next trail…the Way of Many Lost Ones…

"Pick him up!" screeched Harry.

"Right," said Ron as he picked up the cadaver.

On they marched until they came to the Way of Many Lost Ones. There they saw a small, rotted wooden sign that read:

_**The Way of Many Lost Ones**_

_Here are your **WARNINGS**:_

_**IF YOU…**_

…_Get lost, we own not._

…_Get hurt, we pay not._

…_Get killed, you sue not._

_So, wander yonder, young traveler_

_Seek what you must._

_If you meet a dragon,_

_Not our fault._

_You're good as dust._

"Erm," said Ron.

"Well, there you go, Ron. Time to go."

"B-b-b-but…noooooooooo…"

"Holy jeepers, man!" Harry yelled. "Do you want to respect Draco's body? Or not?"

Ron hesitated.


	4. What the bloody?

_Harry Potter and the Way He Defeated Voldemort_

_By KaibasVeryOwnPinaColada_

_Disclaimer: I don't own. They LIE!_

_Chapter 4: What the bloody…?_

"Well…yes, but can't we just Apparate there or something?" Ron begged.

"No!" said Harry sharply.

"But _why_?" asked Ron.

"Because," began Harry matter-of-factly, "neither of us has a license to do so. Besides, walking through the forest lengthens the story and gives it more of a plot."

Ron blinked, and then shrugged. Oh, well.

They walked along, Harry humming 'The Rose' bitterly and Ron, jumping at the slightest sound.

Finally they reached another sign. This one was different. _Sort of _different, at least.

Ron squeaked unintelligibly as Harry sighed. He walked up.

**Caution:**

**Hippie Gnomes Await Your Arrival Ahead.**

**Whatever you do, don't insult them.**

**-The Government**

"_Hippie_ gnomes?" yelled Harry.

"I've heard of them," said Ron in a hushed voice. "Devilish. Well, friendly, I guess, until you offend them…then they're devilish. You'd better not insult them, Harry."

Harry grumbled for a moment. "I can read, Ron."

"No, seriously! I mean, Fred and George insulted one once. Quite awful, really…I reckon George has never been the same since."

So the two (ambiguous to what they were doing) teenagers continued to walk. Then, all of a sudden…

"Totally awesome to meet you!" said a deep, deep voice.

Harry and Ron squeaked, and Ron accidentally dropped Draco's body on the hippie gnome at their knees.

The gnome gasped and Ron fell to his knees.

"I'm sorry! This is...oh, never mind…" wept Ron.

The gnome grinned. "That's quite all right, little dude! But who are you? And where are you headed?"

Harry swallowed before he answered.

"We're, ah, going to get money to pay a friend to bury a friend."

"Like, dude! You totally should have told me!" said the hippie gnome in his profound voice. "I'm Strawberry the Head Hippie Gnome, by the way. And you dudes are?"

"I'm Harry Potter, and this is my friend Ron Weasley," choked Harry, trying not to laugh at Strawberry's name.

"Nice to meet you. Now, let me call my minions so we can get going."

Ron smiled. "Yay! I win!"

"_We_ win," grumbled Harry.

Suddenly Strawberry burst into song.

"If you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain, if you're not into yoga, and have half a brain!"

Ron and Harry blinked. When they opened their eyes, they realized there were four new gnomes: a drunken-looking one, a totally drenched but happy-looking one, an extremely fat, inflexible one, and one that looking just…terrifying.

Strawberry spoke again. "Ah, my friends. Please, meet my fellow dudes: Licorice (the drunken one waved, dazedly), Daffodil (the soaked one smiled brightly), Cherry (the fat one belched and ate a fried chicken whole…in one bite), and finally, Ricky Ryan the XIV (the frightening one mumbled unintelligibly)."

"Hi! I'm Ron, and this is Harry!"

"Like, hi!" said Daffodil, turning out to be a female gnome. "I'm Daffodil the Gnomette. We'll help you find someone to bury your friend!"

So the two protagonists walked along, in tow of the hippie gnomes. Ron seemed to be growing more confident, but Harry was losing his gosh-darned marbles.

"Doesn't it seem weird to you that two teenagers are trying to find someone to bury their friend in broad daylight?"

Strawberry shook his tiny gnome head. "No. We get a lot of that, actually."

"Oh," Harry said, miffed that he couldn't get the gnomes to leave.

All of a sudden they heard voices coming from ahead. Ron screeched and halted to a stop, and Harry ran into him. The voices stopped for a moment, then they picked up again, loud enough so the hippie gnomes and Harry and Ron could here what was being said.

"…Like, totally! We should, like, have a, like, great forest party, Ellie! That would be, like, totally both fab and brill!"

The gnomes began to growl. Ron stood on his tiptoes to see what was going on, and Harry blinked.

"What? What?" asked Ron. "I don't see anything."

"Valley girls," said Daffodil.

Harry snorted, and muttered to Ron, "What's the difference between a hippie gnome and a valley girl?"

Strawberry whirled around. "What?"

"Ssh!" said Cherry. "Listen!"

"Like, oh my God! Bitchin'! Let's, like, invite all of our, like, friends, Jessica! " said the valley girl who was apparently Ellie.

"Like, yeah! That's a tripendicular idea!" said Ellie.

The protagonists/gnomes kept walking forwards. Then they saw the archenemies of the Hippies Gnomes.

Ellie and Jessica…the **VALLEY GIRLS**.

They were standing in the middle of a pink, fuzzy, flower-shaped carpet in a patch of sunshine. They wore slutty-short red dresses and black pumps. The one on the right with blonde hair in a high ponytail and the one on the left, who also had blonde hair in a ponytail, looked up from a Backstreet Boys- brand notebook.

"Oh," said the one on the right. "It's, like, the gnomes. Barf me out!"

"But, like, look, Jessica! They have _boys_ with them!" said the other one gleefully.

Ellie and Jessica walked forward. Ron took a step backwards, along with the gnomes, but Harry stayed where he was.

"Like, scandalous! I'm, like, Ellie! And you are…?"

"Harry. Harry Potter."

"Oooh!" said Jessica in a Moaning Myrtle-like squeal. "I guess you must be, like, the brave one!"

"Totally!"

Harry backed away now, drawing his wand.


End file.
